When Vigilance Is Not Optional

Over the past three years, I’ve gotten really good at noticing things. Not just about myself, but others too. In fact, I now can’t not notice things.

Mindfulness

I notice when 10 out of 10 people on the tramway are on their phone, when the girl in the seat in front of me is sliding on her phone to give us a sign of not caring and when the guy four seats over look like he want to look important and us amusing that he is significant while in fact he wastes all his time trying to instead of looking for a work. I notice people who are always seeking intention and others just doing them,ones always behind the lights and shy and other always broke because they gave up on their ability to produce and I can pinpoint exactly what needs fixing and how to fix it. Now, I finally noticed that all this noticing is driving me nuts. I’d love to say “I don’t mind” and mean it, but it’s never true. I do mind. I mind everything and its annoying . Mindfulness is a gift when it’s directed inward, but outward? Not so much. It’s a good thing to realize you are always wanting to know things, but constantly observing other people’s behavior? That’s a curse.

Why?

comparison is the death of joy.

Comparing ourselves is an instinct as fundamental as survival itself. If Gronk can outrun the bear, pick the right berries and get the pretty neanderthal lady, maybe you should be more like Gronk. In a modern society built mainly on and for individual freedom, however, this is useless. And yet, every notice is a new chance to compare. He eats well, I should eat better. He wastes time, I’m more productive. Even if we rationally estimate our own abilities, comparing still hurts us.